


After the Apocalypse

by DevotedPlume



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fix-It, M/M, Romance, Violence, season 4
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:37:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevotedPlume/pseuds/DevotedPlume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So actually I’m trying to write season 4 like I want it to be. This is a Clexa fanfic so Lexa will be there eventually, you just have to be patient.<br/>I’m trying to make it as realistic as possible, I want it to look like a plausible season of The 100. And I don’t think the writers would make Lexa return as soon as season 4 begins, that’s why I’m taking my time. But don’t worry, she will come back and until then she will be present in Clarke’s mind and in some conversations.<br/>Enjoy !!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Clarke was alone in the throne room with her mother. Everyone was downstairs in the streets of Polis, trying to repair all the harm Alie has done. Wounded people were taken care of, streets were being cleaned from all the blood that was spilled. Those who fought in the throne room just a moment ago have joined the disoriented people of Polis and were helping them. As soon as Clarke asked her friends to help outside the tower, Bellamy has rushed to find Octavia, Kane was reluctant at first but he knew he had to apologize to Indra so he finally left, only Abby remained in the tower. Clarke wanted to be alone for now, but her mother claimed she wanted to clean her wounds so that Clarke couldn’t send her away.

Clarke was on the throne, leaning so that her mother could clean the wound the flame left on the back of her neck.  
“What happened in the City of Light ?” Abby asked suddenly, after a moment of silence.

Clarke didn’t answer straightaway, she knew she didn’t show as much happiness as she should after finally destroying the threat of Alie. The problem was that maybe she made the situation even worse. Alie offered a way to survive after the earth would inevitably become uninhabitable, due to the melting nuclear power plants. And she turned that offer down, now if they die like Alie predicted, there would be no way she can see her mother and her friends again. They didn’t have free will in the City of Light, but at least they existed.

But it wasn’t the only reason why she was sad. To see Lexa again was something she didn’t hope for anymore, but she did see her again, and she lost her again. It was such an amazing feeling to hold her again, to kiss her again. And even if it wasn’t in the real world, it felt real to her. But now she was alone again and all the pain she was trying to hold back since Lexa’s death overwhelmed her.

“Honey, you can talk to me. You won’t feel better by remaining quiet. You have to tell someone, if not me at least you should tell a friend. Do you want me to ask Bellamy to come?” Abby has now finished tending to the wound and she was looking at Clarke’s eyes that seemed to be gone far away.

Clarke suddenly realized that her mother was talking to her.  
“No, don’t ask him to come. I… I just don’t think we are out of troubles yet.”  
“What happened Clarke ? Did Alie told you something ? Did anyone in the City of Light told you something and that’s why you look so sad ?” Abby looked worried.

‘Yes,’ Clarke thought, ‘someone in the City of Light did tell me something really sad. Lexa told me she will always be with me, and yet she is not here and I feel so alone. I am not mad at her because she made a promise she couldn’t keep, I am mad at her because she will keep it, because I know she will never leave my mind, and that she'll always have a place in my heart.’

“Alie did tell me something in the City of Light.” Clarke finally said. “We are not safe, not yet. You should go outside, help the others, tend to wounded people. They need you right now. And I need to be alone to fully acknowledge what happened there. This threat … I need a moment to process it, to think of a plan.”

Abby stood up, still worried. She took Clarke’s face between her hands, looked at her in the eyes and then kissed her on the forehead.  
“You shouldn’t bear this burden alone, but I get it that you want to be alone for now. I will come back soon and then you will have to explain to me what happened so I can help you.”  
Abby smiled at her and then she left. And as soon as the door closed behind her, Clarke let out a sigh she didn’t know she was holding and a tear rolled down her cheek.

Clarke stayed in the throne for a moment, her head in her hands. She was not crying, she didn’t want to, Lexa wouldn’t want her to. You cry the dead only when the war is over, and her war was not over yet, she had to figure something out to save everyone.

She tried to think of a plan but every time she remembered her discussion with Alie, she couldn’t help but think that it was also the last time she saw Lexa. She rose from the throne and headed towards the door. She knew the way by heart now, she followed it several times before, but not enough to her liking. And so she ended up in Lexa’s room. 

She didn’t know what she was looking for, maybe just something to hold on. She sat on the bed and then lay down. She closed her eyes and she could almost feel the heat of Lexa’s hands on her skin, the taste of Lexa’s lips on her mouth. She rolled on her side to lie on her stomach, her face buried in Lexa’s pillow. She took a deep breath but it didn’t smell like her anymore, too many time has passed. She couldn’t find Lexa’s scent in this room anymore. She put her hands under the pillow to be closer to it, desperate to find this scent. 

Suddenly she felt something under the pillow, a piece of metal. When she brought it out from under the pillow she immediately recognize it ; it was Lexa’s forehead gear. Clarke sat up and held it in front of her eyes for a moment. And then she realized that it was what she needed : something to hold on. And she needed more.

She searched the room for more objects that belonged to Lexa but she didn’t find anything. Ontari had clearly cleaned the room and removed every things linked to Lexa. But there would be a chance that no one has touched her room since no guest had come during Ontari’s reign.

When she entered her old room she looked at the bed first. The furs had been removed but apart from that nothing seems to have been moved. She didn’t possess a lot of things when she was in Polis, she had been brought here with nothing but little by little she accumulated some stuffs. Lexa had provided her with art supplies when she asked for them. Clarke headed towards them and took a look at her drawings. She was happy back then and she could feel it in her drawings, she had drawn trees, rivers, young grounders, Polis … and Lexa. The last drawing of the pile was the one of Lexa sleeping.

Clarke was sitting on her bed and looking at this peaceful Lexa. She didn’t realize until then that she didn’t draw Lexa with her gear. She smiled at the fact that she never saw the Commander in Lexa, even before they admitted their love to each other. To her she had always been Lexa, just Lexa. She frowned at the realization that some lines were blurred. But then she saw the drops falling from her chin and crashing on her drawing, and she realized she was crying. She was finally crying after she told herself not to. She was finally crying and it felt so good, so relieving. So she put the drawing next to her on the bed and she allowed herself to cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Almost an hour has passed since her mother left her alone, so Clarke knew she would come back soon to check on her. She stood up and went to her bathroom. Her face was red, her cheeks wet, her eyes still full of sorrow. She plunged her hands in the basin of water situated on a chair next to the mirror and cleaned her face. She repeated this action several times until her face regained its initial color.

Then she returned to the room and took the drawing of Lexa. She contemplated it just a few seconds and then she folded it and put it in the pocket of her jacket with the gear and the Flame.

When Clarke opened the door of the throne room, her mother was already waiting for her, sitting on one of the ambassadors’ chair. She came alone and she was still worried. She stood up immediately when Clarke entered the room and joined her in the middle of the room. 

“You cried !” Abby said while passing her finger on Clarke’s cheek.  
“I thought I cleaned it well enough not to be noticed, but apparently I failed…” Clarke answered in a low voice.  
“Look, I don’t know what happened in the City of Light but I know a threat wouldn’t make you cry like that. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it ?” Abby has taken Clarke’s hands in her own while talking and she looked at her right in the eyes.  
“I’m not ready to talk about it yet, actually I don’t think I will ever be… And we have more important issues to deal with. I heard Indra was still alive so it would be best if she listened to this as well. And Kane should be here too.”  
“I’ll go get them.” Abby squeezed Clarke’s hands and smiled at her before leaving the room.

Clarke let out a sigh and pressed her cold hands to her face to make it less red. Then she headed towards the balcony. She placed her arms on the balustrade and looked at the streets below her. She could barely notice people at this height but she could see the agitation, people sweeping blood, kids running probably looking for their parents, wooden crosses being dismantled. She looked at the streets of Polis further and further until her gaze got lost in the horizon, until she could only see a huge area of green and blue. She was so exhausted after all that happened this day that her mind stopped thinking for a moment, mesmerized by the landscape.

A loud noise brought her back to reality, the door has been opened. She blinked her eyes several times to wake her totally, one or two hours must have passed since her mother left to find Indra and Kane. She was really exhausted but at the same time she was afraid to fall asleep. It has been a while now that this fear consumed her. She was afraid to see the faces of all the persons she has killed, whether it was grounders or Mountain men. She was afraid to experience again these horrible moments. But she was even more afraid to relive the best ones, to experience again the moments passed with her father, Wells, Finn or Lexa, to see their smiles again knowing that when she wakes up they won’t be here. She should have rested before this meeting, but she couldn’t and now she had to gather all the energy left in her to focus on this new threat and explain it.

Clarke turned over to face them. Indra had a wooden crutch to help her stay straight because her back obviously hurt her, she had bandages on her wrists where they hammered the nails in and she had a few scars on her face. She looked exhausted too but also worried, like all of them. Kane didn’t have any wounds, at least not physical ones, but he looked so guilty for what Alie made him do that it must eat him inside.

“Kane and Indra are here as you requested, Clarke. You can tell us what Alie told you now.” Abby said, smiling at her daughter.  
“Well, she told me that more than a dozen of nuclear power plants are currently at risk and seven are melting around the world, which let us approximately six months before the earth becomes uninhabitable.” Clarke said quickly. She couldn’t bear the surprise on their faces so she stared at the floor instead.

“Are… Are you sure ? I mean, she could have said that just so you don’t pull that lever… she could have lied to save herself…” Kane finally spoke, after a few seconds of silence.  
“I don’t think an AI could lie actually… I mean, I don’t know but it seemed pretty real to me. She showed me the earth from the Ark, and you could see the power plants melting. I know she could have showed me anything and maybe she was lying, but if she was honest then we have only six months left to fix this and I don’t want to waste this time wondering if she was right or not.” Clarke said in a desperate tone.

“Did she tell you how to avoid that ?” Abby asked softly, trying to calm Clarke down.  
“No, she said it was inevitable… Well, actually she offered me something to avoid the pain and the end of existence. She offered the City of Light. And I know we had to destroy it because it took away free will, but what if it was a mistake ? What if I destroyed our only hope ?” Clarke still sounded desperate.  
“You did what must to be done.” Indra said in her habitual calm tone.  
“Anyway, it’s too late now. We must find a way to avoid Alie’s prediction. But we must also think of the future, we must keep this issue quiet to avoid chaos within the population. We must rebuild Polis and keep working towards peace to insure the best future in case we succeed in avoiding the apocalypse.” Clarke finally calmed down. She stepped towards Indra.

“There is neither Commander nor nightbloods left in Polis, so making decisions concerning the entire population will be a delicate topic. Indra, I think you are the most qualified to rule the Grounders for now, while guards will go looking for new nightbloods to begin their training. I think it would be a good thing to keep that tradition for now… I have seen how Grounders could react to change…” The image of Titus aiming at her with a gun crossed her mind immediately and she couldn’t help making a rictus. “But it would be unwise to start a conclave too soon, you must be sure they are ready, that they are wise and strong enough to become Commander. So you will probably stay in Polis for several months… Also, I was wondering, does anyone know what happened to Roan ? Is he dead ?” Clarke asked trying not to seem worried about his fate.

“He’s not dead, I saw him in the building where wounded people are being taken care of. However, he is in a critical condition. The bullet has been removed but he is really weak for now.” Of course Abby knew, she has been tending to wounded people when she was not with her daughter.  
“Good, then I think he should rule with you, Indra. Azgeda could feel threaten if a Trikru leader rules and it would be best to avoid a war with Azgeda right now. Moreover, I trust Roan, he will act for the greater good, he’s a wise leader. And of course ambassadors will still be here to advise you.” Clarke always felt intimidated by Indra but she didn’t let her eyes look away.

“I do not trust Azgeda but you are right, we must avoid a war with them and Roan seems…” Indra cleared her throat, “less stupid than the others. I will try to cooperate with him, but you should rule with us too. You showed several times that you are a wise leader.”  
Clarke couldn’t help smiling at these words, she felt honored that Indra thought that of her.  
“Thank you, but I can’t stay. I have to go back to Arkadia if we want to avoid the apocalypse. I have to work with Raven to try to figure something out, only there I can be useful. You will keep a radio so we can keep you updated about this threat and you can keep us updated about grounder politics.”

But it wasn’t the only reason why she wanted to leave Polis. She had good moments in the capital, wonderful moments of pure happiness, tenderness, calm. But it was also the place where Lexa died and this memory canceled the others, she couldn’t even stay in the throne room without seeing Lexa sitting like a queen on her throne, without seeing the black stain on her sweater and her lifeless eyes. She couldn’t stay in Polis if she wanted to remain focused on the melting power plants.

“Are you sure Clarke ? We will need an ambassador here in Polis to defend the interests of Skaikru.” Kane said softly, bringing Clarke out of her thoughts.  
“It is Skaikru’s fault if Alie had taken control of Grounders, so I’m not sure a Skaikru ambassador would be a good idea right now. If they see us advising their leaders they could think we planned all of this just to rule them. We have to give them time to rebuild the city by themselves and to start living normally again before we claim our seat in this room. Until then I trust Indra and Roan to make the best decisions and defend Skaikru.”  
“We will.” Indra replied simply.

“Alright then, you go back to Arkadia with us !” Abby smiled at Clarke, fully this time, relieved that she would be able to keep an eye on her daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments, it means a lot to me. I love to write but it’s the first time that I post my work on the Internet so keep telling me what you think about it. Besides English is not my native language so if I keep making the same mistakes, please let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

She could see the gates, just a few yards away from them. Clarke was at the head of the procession of Sky people going back to Arkadia. After three days of walking, Clarke could notice the relief on their faces when they finally saw this familiar camp ; they were home. Clarke knew she should be relieved too. After all, she had spent seventeen years in this building when it was still in space. But she wasn’t sure it was still home to her. Polis could have been her new home but something ruined it, well she wasn’t even sure if this feeling of safety and comfort she had there was due to the atmosphere of Polis or to the presence of Lexa. Anyway, the feeling disappeared with her. Nothing felt like home anymore, _no one_ felt like home anymore. 

She had looked at Bellamy during the trip, she feared he could run away at any time because he was obviously eaten up with worry about Octavia. After she killed Pike, she vanished into the woods. She wanted to be alone, the loss of Lincoln was still painful and with Alie gone she didn’t owe anything to anyone. Bellamy went to find her after her vengeance but she was nowhere to be found, she knew how to hide in the woods and if she didn’t want to be found then nobody could find her. Clarke finally got Bellamy to understand that she needed time, that he needed to let her go like he did with her after the Mountain. But she couldn’t stop him from being worried.

Clarke was at the head of the crowd with her mother and Kane and when they stopped in front of the gates, Abby let out a “Home” with a sigh to whom Clarke could only reply with a low “Yeah” and a forced smile.

When the gates opened, Raven, Monty, Jasper and Harper were there, waiting for them impatiently. They all seemed happy, relieved, hopeful for the future, but Jasper was obviously faking his joy. Raven was the most thrilled, as soon as the gates opened she ran towards Clarke and hugged her.

“You did it Clarke ! You kicked Alie’s ass !” Even her leg wasn’t painful enough to stop her from showing how happy she was. She put an end to the hug and stood in front of Clarke. “Well you couldn’t have done this without me so actually I’m the one who kicked her ass ! Anyway, you’re already the Mountain slayer so let me be the AI slayer, please !” She looked at Clarke with a huge smile, she was apparently very proud of this title.

“Yes, I guess you deserve it !” Clarke tried not to remind herself of her horrible title, of how she got it. She was so glad to see Raven smiling, it has been a while since she saw her in such a state, and she didn’t want to ruin it. She took a more serious tone and added “Thank you Raven.”

“Yeah, well nothing can survive me !” She paused and looked at the crowd before adding “Where is Octavia ?” Then fear hit her “Oh my god ! Is she dead ?”  
“No, Raven, calm down ! She’s fine… I guess. She killed Pike and then she just disappeared.” Clarke explained, still confused about Octavia’s deed.  
“Oh… He must be devastated…” Raven said while looking at Bellamy. “I should go hug him too then.” She smiled at Clarke and walked towards him.

Then Clarke went to see the others, she hugged them, trying not to show her worry to let them enjoy this moment. She didn’t hug Jasper, he looked worried, sad, guilty, but when he laid eyes on her all she could see was hate. So she just slightly smiled at him, wondering if he would forgive her one day.

When every Sky people were inside the camp and the reunion was over, Clarke told Raven that they should talk somewhere more private. Once they were in the Chancellor’s office, Raven finally broke the silence.

“Okay, that doesn’t seem like a victory party, so go ahead, tell me what crap we must deal with this time.” She wasn’t scared actually, she was mostly annoyed.  
“Look Raven, it’s not an insignificant matter and your involvement in it will be essential…” Clarke was speaking slowly to get Raven to understand how serious it was and she could see the engineer uncrossing the arms she had casually crossed a few minutes earlier. “When I was in the City of Light, Alie told me that seven nuclear power plants were currently melting and that a dozen were at risk… which lets us six months to fix this before Earth becomes uninhabitable…”

“Oh !” Raven was obviously shocked, her eyes had grown wider during Clarke’s speech. “But… How…” She was having a difficult time to process it. “Seriously ?” She finally managed to articulate.  
“Well I think she was serious but Kane thinks she was lying”  
“Yeah that bitch could have lied ! That’s her style !” Raven cut Clarke off.  
“It’s your job to discover whether she was telling the truth or not. Can you connect to some satellites to analyze the temperature of the Earth’s surface ? And then map the location of the power plants ?” Clarke was actually hopeful, she knew Raven was a computer genius.

Raven paused for a moment, her eyes looked at the ceiling while her mind was trying to figure something out.  
“I don’t think I could connect to satellites, all of them are more than a hundred years old… I think they’re all out of order.” Her eyes were slowly going down to focus on Clarke again. She blinked once and then exclaimed “But I could definitely connect to the Ark ! We had the same systems as satellites had to map Earth and analyze its components, so it could work !” Her pride was radiating through her eyes.

“I knew you would find something, you’re the best !” As she saw Raven’s smile grown even wider she quickly added half laughing “But don’t let one good idea goes to your head !”  
“Come on, I would work faster if you keep praising me !” Raven said with a smirk.   
“Oh so the great AI slayer needs compliments to do her job, that’s interesting…” It was actually relieving that this serious conversation has turned into something more relaxed.  
“Okay, I get it, that title sucks… I should start working on the connection now before this conversation turns to my disadvantage !” Raven was still smiling, but now she looked at the door, ready to leave.

“Wait ! Only Kane and my mother know about this threat and I’m counting on you to keep quiet. Arkadia is not stable yet, so news like this one could create chaos.” Clarke looked serious again, the slight conversation was over.  
“Oh, okay. Can I at least tell Monty ? I’m going to need his skills on that.” Raven was shocked at first that Clarke didn’t plan on telling her other friends, but she understood.  
Clarke let out a sigh. “Just Monty then. And make sure he won’t tell anyone else.”

Raven nodded and headed towards the door. But when she raised her hand to push the button, Clarke spoke again.  
“Raven, wait.” She looked sad suddenly. She paused, thinking of how to express her thought. “You helped me when I was in the City of Light… so it means that you saw me, right ?” She finally asked with a hint of hope.  
Raven was looking at her, confused. “Kind of…”  
“Just before you created this access to Alie… Her henchmen were coming for us, they wanted to eliminate us… I escaped but…” Even Clarke wasn’t sure where this conversation was going.  
“Just ask it Clarke !” Raven was trying to be patient but clearly it wasn’t in her nature.  
“Do you know what happened to Lexa ?” Clarke finally said. She was feeling so uncomfortable that she couldn’t even meet Raven’s questioning gaze.

“I didn’t know she was with you… Well, actually it makes sense that I didn’t saw her since I was reading Alie’s code and Lexa was in the Flame, not the chip.” Raven was now thinking about the differences of programming between the Flame and the chip and Clarke took advantage of this lapse in concentration to end the conversation and avoid any questions about her relationship with Lexa.

Clarke walked at a quick pace towards her room. It has been a while since she occupied it but fortunately her mother had managed to avoid any new Sky person settling in. As soon as she closed the door she leaned against it, breathing heavily. When her head slowly hit the door, she closed her eyes and started breathing normally again.

She plunged her hands into her pockets and her eyes opened in a flash as she felt the gear, the Flame and her drawing. She stepped towards her chest of drawers and slowly unfolded the drawing. She put it on the top, against the wall. Then she brought out the Flame and the gear and placed each one next to the drawing.

She moved backwards until her legs met the edge of her bed. She sat, still looking at her little memorial. Her chest felt so heavy she could hardly breathe. Even if she had trouble accepting Lexa’s death, she had found a way to live with it because she knew a part of her was still in the Flame. But it wasn’t sure anymore, she might be gone forever this time. Her eyes were shifting between the Flame and the drawing, wondering if this peaceful Lexa was still in there, until her vision became too blurred with tears to keep them open.


	4. Chapter 4

Clarke knew Raven was currently working on a way to connect the Ark on the ground to what remained of the Ark in space, and she knew she couldn’t do much to help. So when she saw Bellamy wandering about like a lost soul in the hallways, she thought she had time to listen to him. He wanted to go after Octavia but he knew he wouldn’t find her, and he wasn’t used to being useless. She led him outside and they sat on a bench. Bellamy had a vacant look, but he finally spoke, he needed to speak.

“Why ? Why is she gone ?” He looked at Clarke now, desperate.  
“She needed time to grieve, losing Lincoln had been a hard blow…” Clarke was looking at kids running and laughing. She longed for their innocence. But she was also relieved to see that Arkadia was slowly healing from Alie.  
“But I was there for her, I could have helped her grieving… She abandoned me.” His tone was very similar to the one he used when he said the same thing to Clarke, a few days ago.  
Clarke turned her head to face him. “She will come back. Don’t worry about her, she’s a great warrior and she knows how to hunt. She’s fine.”  
“I want to believe that she’ll be back, but I don’t think she will…” He was looking at the ground now. “She wanted to leave. She told me that once the kill order on Lincoln would be over, they would leave together… And I know she’s a great warrior, but most of grounders have been raised with a knife in the hand. She’s not safe out there and it is my duty to protect her !” His sadness was slowly turning into anger.

Clarke moved towards him on the bench, her hand on his arm to calm him.  
“She’s not a child anymore. She’s no longer that little girl that took fright every time someone walked near your cabin. She can take care of herself and you should do the same.” He looked up, his eyes meeting Clarke’s as she kept speaking. “Stop worrying about her ! You’re not doing anything in Arkadia, you look absent-minded… You should think of what you need now. What do you want ?” She asked a question even she couldn’t answer.

He was still looking at her, but anger and worry have disappeared. Clarke couldn’t identify that look, half confused half nervous.  
And suddenly he leaned towards her and kissed her.

Clarke was shocked but she quickly backed up, her eyes still wide open. She mumbled “Excuse me” while standing up and left. She could feel his eyes still staring at her before she disappeared into the Ark. She wasn’t expecting that at all. Bellamy was like a brother to her, she never looked at him _that_ way. Sadness suddenly replaced surprise as she realized their brotherly relationship was ruined now. She wouldn’t be able to look at him like she did before, to talk to him like they used to, knowing what he felt for her. 

She wondered why she didn’t see their relationship like he did, why she didn’t feel the same way about him. She knew he would risk his own life for her… but he wasn’t Lexa. No one will ever be. He could create a coalition between twelve clans of fierce warriors and he’d still be far from being her. He would never be her, and that’s why she knew she would never love him the way he does.

She felt so uncomfortable with this kiss that she needed to think of something else. She headed towards the computer room, where Raven was frantically typing on a keyboard. She took the radio placed on a table near the door and adjusted it to be on Polis’ frequency.  
“Indra ? Indra are you there ?” She waited a few minutes but there was still no answer. She began to worry. “Indra ? Anyone ?” Still no answer. “Please someone talk to me !” She was desperate now. When they left Polis a few days ago, the situation was unstable. Anything could have happened since.

“Calm down Clarke !” Raven said softly, trying to appease her friend.  
“It might be something important, maybe Indra and Roan’s leadership was not a success and Polis is now succumbing to chaos.” Clarke was so anxious she couldn’t stay still and she began to pace.  
“But it might be nothing, just try again later… And if you need a distraction you could help me with that fucking connection.” Clarke noticed frustration on Raven’s face. “I’m sorry Clarke, but I don’t find a way to connect to the Ark in orbit !”

Clarke stepped towards her. She looked at the screens, probably by reflex because clearly it was a language she didn’t understand.  
“Alie had destroyed any ways to access the Ark, she isolated herself on it… So we’re screwed… again.” Raven sighed while leaning against her chair.  
“Oh no Raven, I need good news right now.” And she really needed it, she was tired, she just wanted a day without any drama.  
“I think… if I have something related to Alie I could probably use it to make the connection…”  
“The chip !” Clarke exclaimed.  
“Eh, that’s not a bad idea !” Raven was looking at Clarke now, instead of the screens. But her smile slowly disappeared as she realized “But that’s not really a computer object, it’s more like medicine… I won’t be able to use it…” And she looked back at the screens in front of her.

Clarke sat on the chair next to Raven. None of them were talking, lost in their thoughts. And at a moment Raven said in a low voice “But I could use the Flame…”  
Clarke came back to reality at this word. She started to panic at the thought that the Flame would be taken away from her. But Raven was too focused on her idea to see the fear in Clarke’s eyes.  
“Do you still have it ?” She asked, hopeful.  
“Um… Yes… Yes, I have it…” Clarke wasn’t sure she was ready to give a piece of Lexa. She needed that piece, she needed all the pieces. It was reassuring to know it was close when she was sleeping. But if Raven needed it to connect to the Ark, she didn’t have the choice, she had to give it to her.  
“Great ! We’re lucky you kept that thing !” Raven was smiling, she was so relieved. “It’s in your room right ?” Clarke nodded. “I go get it then !”  
As she started to stand up, Clarke remembered her little memorial for Lexa on her chest of drawers and took fright that Raven see it. So she quickly stood up too and said “No ! Stay here, I go.” And then she left.

 

The nearer she got to the computer room, the slower her pace became. When Clarke stopped in front of the door she realized her heavy breath and the pain in her hand. She was holding the Flame so tight in her fist that she could feel the infinite symbol carving on her palm. She took a minute to calm her breathing and she entered. When Raven saw her, she stood up and stepped towards Clarke.  
“You have it ?” She asked, slowly noticing the sadness on Clarke’s face.  
As Clarke raised her fist towards her, Raven presented her palm to receive it. Clarke sighed a “Yes…” while opening her hand, letting the Flame fall. 

Raven thanked her and went to sit back in front of her computer when Harper ran into the room.  
“Clarke, there is a grounder at the gates ! He said he wanted to see you !” She panted, leaning against the wall to stay on her feet.

Clarke followed Harper to the gates where two guards were aiming their guns at a tall and strong grounder. Clarke was slightly relieved when she saw him. His face looked familiar to her, she must have seen him back in Polis. He was clearly a warrior, he had scars on his face to prove it. She was relieved to see that he also had a tattoo on his face, meaning that he was Trikru. He was wearing a red sash at his waist, so Clarke knew he was one of the Commander’s guards, those who always stay in the tower. She started to freak out when she made the connection between his presence and the absence of answer when she had radioed Indra. Something serious must have happened in Polis to send a guard to Arkadia.

When she arrived near him, the guards lowered their guns and Clarke nodded for them to leave.  
“Are you Clarke kom Skaikru ?” He asked with a deep voice.  
“Yes. Is there something wrong in Polis ?” She replied worried.  
“Follow me.” The conversation was already over and he started to turn back.  
“Wait ! I won’t follow you ! I don’t know you, I don’t know what’s going on…” She was a bit angry at the lack of social skills this grounder showed.  
“My name is Saynor and I am a guard in Polis. Will you follow me now ?” He sounded annoyed, he didn’t want to be here.  
“No ! Tell me what’s going on !”  
“Look, I didn’t have time for this. My mission is to bring you near Polis, alone.”  
“I’m not dumb, I won’t follow a stranger that could kill me with his bare hands alone !” She looked at him, suspicious. She was still Wanheda so it meant that killing her was something a lot of grounders dreamed of.  
“Fine, you can take a gun !” He sighed while crossing his arms, he was clearly losing patience.

Clarke was examining him, he had a knife on his belt and a sword on his back but that didn’t mean he was a threat, every warriors got weapons. She was hesitating. She could easily defend herself with a gun and Polis might be in danger, but on the other hand it could be a trap.

“Okay, I follow you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, I got exams for the past two weeks... But now I'm fully devoted to this fanfiction !

They were gone for about three hours now. Clarke was still wary, but she could felt the reassuring feeling of the gun touching her waist. She had just taken the gun before leaving, she didn’t say goodbye to anyone, only Harper knew where she was. She didn’t want her mother to worry, she knew she should have told her so that the memory of her running away into the woods months earlier didn’t resurface. But she knew her mother would never let her go alone with some grounder. And she needed to know what happened in Polis. Harper was also reticent at first, but she didn’t have the authority to stop Clarke from leaving. No one had. And she promised she would send for a search team only if Clarke went missing for more than a week. 

Saynor had not said a word since the gates and Clarke found the time passed so slowly. She knew grounders weren’t very talkative, she witnessed it with Lexa, but she was slowly running out of patience. They had two more days left before arriving to the capital. 

Two more hours after, Clarke gave in and said :  
“So… will you finally tell me what happened ?” She was walking behind him, trying to avoid the branches that came right in her face after Saynor pushed them aside for him.   
He clearly didn’t expect a sound coming from that little blond girl behind him and he jumped with surprise.  
“No, I cannot tell you. I already told you that !” He didn’t even deviate his eyes from the path in front of him. Then he added in a low voice : “Shof op nau…” ( _Shut up now…_ ).

Apparently he wasn’t aware that Clarke had spent several months amongst other grounders and speaks fluent Trigedasleng. She rolled her eyes before speaking again :  
“Yeah, I didn’t miss that part !” She avoided another branch. “But I’m gonna know anyway so what’s the point of keeping me in the dark ?” And then she shouted “We are alone in these fucking woods !” before adding in a low voice “Jok of…” ( _Fuck you…_ ).

Saynor didn’t answer and the quiet came back and settled until the sun began to disappear in the distance. And “We set up camp here” were the only words that left his mouth that night. He made a fire, looking at Clarke like she was half-witted when she offered to do it herself. She knew she didn’t have the chance to show her strength back in Polis and that must be why Saynor treated her like she was just a small clumsy girl that knows nothing about how to survive. But still he could show some respect to a former ambassador.

Offended, she just sat on the ground and let him settle the camp. She relaxed at the idea that she would already be dead if he wanted to do so. He wasn’t looking for her death. But that also meant that something was really going on in Polis.

 

A kick in the arm woke Clarke up. She looked around and recognized the rude grounder standing next to her. He only said “It’s time to go” before turning around and starting to disappear into the woods. Clarke stood up quickly and followed him.

No talking made them walk faster and they soon arrived near Polis. Clarke could see the top of the tower in the distance, always smoking. White this time. She remembered the only time she saw the red smoke and it gave her goose bumps. It was the day she left Polis, it was the day Lexa died. She wondered since, if it was Lexa’s body that burnt that day or not. She deserved a ceremonial like that, but the thought that she totally disappeared in that fire really scared Clarke.

Suddenly Saynor stopped. They were 4 or 5 miles away from Polis, in the middle of the woods. He turned to look at Clarke and said “That way” while showing west with his hand. Clarke looked at the tower in the north, surprised. Maybe Indra was hiding in the woods because of what happened in Polis. The leaders must have been deposed and forced to hide. She was going to ask Saynor but she realized he was already walking into the woods.

When she finally caught him up, she broke the silence.  
“Where are we going ? Is Polis a dangerous place now ?”  
“Oh, for a second I really thought you had finally understood it was useless to speak…” He turned his head, still walking, and glanced at her with an annoyed look. “You will see where we are going. She couldn’t meet you in Polis so she is waiting in a hidden house. We are almost there.”  
He wasn’t looking at Clarke anymore so he didn’t see her pout. She truly hated him. But Polis kept her mind even more busy. “Why Indra is hiding in the woods ?”  
He glanced at her again. “We are almost there.”  
And the quiet came back.

The further they walked towards west, the worrier Clarke became. They were moving away from Polis and Clarke thought it might be a trap after all. There was no path anymore, it was difficult to move in that thick forest. And then they got to a small clearing. Clarke’s pulse sped up, if this was a trap there was no turning back now.

In this clearing there was only a small wooden house. The house itself was not particularly scary, but the fact that it was isolated in the woods and surrounded by the darkness of the trees worried her. She hold her gun closer and scrutinized Saynor.

When they reached the front door, Saynor turned to face her and didn’t seem surprised to see a gun aimed at his head.   
“It’s here. She’s waiting for you.” He said, and added to calm her down “You can keep your gun.”

Clarke lowered her gun but hold it tight, ready to shoot. She looked at him with suspicion and she could feel her entire body stiffen when Saynor knocked at the door. A small woman opened it, she didn’t look threatening but Clarke was still tense. She was young but you could see that she had witnessed horrible things in her life. She got several scars on her face that she desperately tried to hide with her long brown hair. Her eyes showed how tired she was but despite this, she was trying to reassure Clarke, to smile at her.

“Hei, ai tagon ste Jidia, kom Podakru. You laik Klark, ait ?” ( _Hi, my name is Jidia, from Lake clan. You are Clarke, right ?_ ). Clarke slowly nodded and Jidia kept talking. “Min op beja, em ste opstergeda.” ( _Come in please, she is upstairs._ ).

Clarke’s eyes moved from Jidia to Saynor and back to Jidia. She didn’t know what to do.  
“So what ? The great Wanheda is too afraid to come in ?!” Saynor said sarcastically, raising his eyebrow.  
“I think I’m gonna wait here. If she wants to see me then she has to come outside !” Clarke was still tense, her eyes were looking everywhere waiting for the danger to come.

Jidia narrowed her eyes, she seemed lost. Saynor translated what Clarke just said and then she explained :   
“Moba, ai du nou chich Gonasleng…” ( _Sorry, I don’t speak English..._ ). Then she added : “Em na nou kom op, em don bilaik led raun in Polis.” ( _She can’t come, she has been injured in Polis._ ).

Clarke’s eyes widen. Indra was injured… the situation in Polis was out of control. She aimed her gun at Saynor while moving toward the door and then at Jidia while coming into the house. The furniture was restricted to subsistence level ; a table, four chairs, a fireplace, some weapons and pans hung on the walls. And there was nobody waiting for her inside, it wasn’t a trap. She lowered her gun and looked at Jidia.

“Du nou get daun. Kom op krom ai !” ( _Don’t worry. Come with me !_ ) Jidia said and walked toward the stairs.  
Clarke followed her, slowly relaxing. Once upstairs, Jidia led her to a door at the back of the hallway. She stopped and turned to face Clarke. Her eyes dropped on the hand that hold the gun tight and she sighed. Jidia slowly opened the door. She was outside the room, pushing the door with one hand to let Clarke see what was inside.

Clarke saw a night stand with a book on it and a few candles lightening the room. Then she saw the beginning of a bed, a wooden bed with grey sheets and furs on it. While the door opened she could recognize that somebody was lying on this bed. And when the door fully opened she froze, her heart pulse sped up so fast she thought her rib cage would break. She gaped in front of these beautiful green eyes looking at her.

“Hello Clarke !” Lexa said simply, with a smile.


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke could barely move. She slowly went into the room, still staring at Lexa, still not able to speak. Once she was entirely in, Jidia closed the door, leaving her alone with Lexa.

She frowned her eyes, analyzed the situation, scanned Lexa. She was in front of the bed. She couldn’t move closer, she was too afraid all of this would disappear if she moved. Lexa was looking at her, smiling at her. With this shy smile that was only meant for Clarke.

“Am I dreaming ?!” Clarke finally said while looking at her surroundings to see something weird enough to confirm her doubts.  
Lexa’s smile only became wider.  
“No Clarke. I’m here, I’m alive.”

It felt so good to hear that voice again. Even if she was dreaming, it was a dream she never wanted to end, a dream she was willing to sleep forever to be sure it wouldn’t be replace by one of her usual nightmare the next time she fall asleep. She closed her eyes and sighed, even if it was the most beautiful dream she had in a very long time, she needed it to be real.

“It’s just that after Finn died…” She sighed and looked at the floor. “I saw him but it wasn’t real. So I need to be sure I’m not dreaming. Tell me something that nobody knows except you ! Something private…” Clarke crossed her arms and waited for the answer, hopeful.  
“Well… you have a small birthmark on your lower abdomen…” Lexa smirked and blushed.  
“No, not something about me. I need to make sure it’s not a dream, so you have to tell me something I don’t know, something you’re the only one to know !” But despite the impatience, she smiled at Lexa’s answer.

Lexa pondered and looked serious when she said :  
“I’ve got a little brother named Azel. He was four when I was taken to Polis to start my practice. I was seven. I never saw him since. He wasn’t a nightblood so they didn’t take him, he could stay with our parents…” Her smile was only a memory now, she was looking at the sheets covering her, not willing to show her sadness.

Clarke felt bad for Lexa, for her stolen childhood, for not growing up with a loving family, for not growing up with love at all, to be taught that it was weakness. Then it hit her : she was real, it was not a dream. She could stop neither the tears from dropping nor her feet from running towards Lexa. She wrapped her arms around her and held her close. She put her head on Lexa’s shoulder, buried her nose closer, needing to smell her scent, her heat.

She felt Lexa’s body tensed and Lexa let out a small noise of pain. Clarke realized that she wasn’t entirely healed yet and she let go of her. She took the chair in the corner of the room and sat next to the bed.  
“I’m sorry, for a minute I forgot that you’ve been shot two weeks ago…” She couldn’t even hold her hand, she was too afraid she would break.  
“Don’t be sorry, I’m glad you’re happy to see me…” She smiled shyly.

Clarke smiled too. She could stay like that forever, just looking at her. She missed her so much.  
“So… what happened ? How did you end up here ?”  
“After Titus shot me…” She had struggle saying that name without hatred now. “… He brought my body to the funeral room, so it can be washed before the ceremony with the nightbloods. It was Jidia’s job to get my body ready, but she saw that I was still breathing, barely. Ontari had been seen near Polis so it was too dangerous for me to stay in the capital in that condition, she would have finished what Titus did. So Jidia decided to secretly heal me in her house and she asked Saynor to help her. He’s one of my loyal guard, she knew she could trust him.” Clarke rolled her eyes at the mention of the guard. Lexa didn’t see that and kept talking. “They brought me here in the middle of the night after replacing my body in the funeral room with the one of a woman that died the day before. Jidia succeeded in healing me, but it was still dangerous to come back to Polis. Ontari was the Commander, she killed the other nightbloods…” She whispered the last word, her sorrow tightening her throat, her eyes lost in the sheets. “I was too weak to fight with her…” She looked at Clarke. “I wanted to tell you that I was alive, but Saynor thought it would be too dangerous if somebody else knew about me. But now with Alie and Ontari gone, he agreed to let you know.” And she smiled at her.

“Well you can’t imagine how happy I am to see you alive !” She reciprocated her smile. “I thought you were dead, it was a hard blow for” ‘me’ she thought “everyone. You were a great Commander, and Ontari… she only brought chaos.” She smiled sadly, remembering that night in the throne room when Ontari showed to everyone the heads of the nightbloods, when she saw the horror still carved on the lifeless face of Aden. “Anyway, I’m glad you’re alive ! And I think you should come with me to Arkadia. We have great doctors there, you could have a better treatment…”

Lexa looked offended when she heard that.  
“Do you think that our treatments are less effective than yours ?! Jidia saved me, not Skaikru !”  
“No, I didn’t mean it like that… It’s just that with our technology… it could be best for you.” Clarke was trying to find the right words to not offend Lexa more.  
“Thank you Clarke, but I trust Jidia and her treatments. She healed me several times before and I’m still alive so she’s not that bad.” Then her voice softened. “I know you’re just worried but I’m fine now and nothing is threatening us anymore.” Clarke looked at the floor with a pout, thinking about the melting power plants but Lexa didn’t see it. “I just need more time to fully recover and then I will go back to Polis. But I wanted to let you know that I wasn’t dead because…” She took a few seconds to think about the end of her sentence. “… because if the roles were reversed I would like to know.”

Clarke couldn’t resist any longer. She placed her hand over Lexa’s and smiled. They stayed like that for a few minutes, just enjoying the touch, feeling each other heat, each other pulse. Both of them were looking at their hands, watching the light slowly disappearing on them.

“It’s late, I should go.” Clarke didn’t want this moment to end but she knew she would have to leave Lexa again. And the more time she spent with her, the more difficult it would be to leave.  
They were looking at each other now.  
“You can come back whenever you want. But you can’t tell anyone, I’m still weak and I can’t risk someone defying me.”  
“Okay, I’m gonna keep it secret. I won’t risk losing you while I’ve just found out you were still alive.” Clarke smiled.

The quiet lasted a few minutes. None of them wanted to be the one that would end this moment.  
“Goodbye.” Clarke finally said. And she squeezed Lexa’s hand before standing up.  
“Goodbye.” Lexa sighed.

The way to the door seemed to last forever for Clarke. Maybe it was because she walked the slower she could, not wanting to leave that room full of Lexa’s scent. Or maybe it was because she could feel these beautiful green eyes following her, because it made her feel like she was special to someone. 

But eventually she reached the door. She turned back, saw the brunette and reciprocated her smile one last time before closing the door behind her, still not quite sure she wasn’t dreaming all along.


	7. Chapter 7

It was night-time when she got back to Arkadia, so no one noticed her sneaking to her room. Saynor led her to Arkadia, and despite the ‘Lexa is still alive’ secret revealed, he was still quiet. Hopefully, Clarke had memorized the way and wouldn’t need him to go next time.

The next morning, she received a few surprised looks while wandering the hallways. After all, she had disappeared four days and no one knew where she was. But none of them asked her, not that they didn’t care but it just wasn’t the first time she vanished.

Suddenly someone gave her a pat on the shoulder.  
“Hey Clarke ! You’re here !” Raven exclaimed, half breathless. She might have run to catch her before she disappeared again.  
“Hi Raven !” Clarke smiled at her.  
“Where have you been ?! I did it, I connected to the Ark ! And I’ve got news about…” She looked around to make sure no one was listening. “… the power plants.” She whispered.

They were alone in this hallway so Clarke decided they could continue this conversation here.  
“Oh !” She was trying to look serious but she just couldn’t wipe off that smile from her face. Since she saw Lexa, she couldn’t stop smiling. “Tell me !”  
Raven was a bit surprised to see how lightly Clarke was taking the situation but she told her anyway.  
“She was right ! Alie, that computer bitch was right !” Raven was panicking. “There are nuclear power plants that are currently melting !”

Clarke looked more serious but she stayed calm, she knew Alie was telling the truth so it wasn’t shocking. “Okay, calm down Raven. Can we stop this ? Do you know where to find them ?”  
“They are everywhere ! We can’t stop this, we can’t fix all the power plants !”  
“Shit !” Clarke was worried too now. “We are going to find something… we always do.” She didn’t know who she was trying to convince.

“Wait, Alie said that 96% of the Earth’s surface would be uninhabitable !”Clarke suddenly remembered. “Which means that 4% would be inhabitable !” She was relieved, they still had a slight hope to survive.  
Raven’s face lit up too. “Hey, don’t hold that kind of information next time !”  
“Sorry, I thought a brilliant computer genius like you would have guessed !” Clarke said with a smile.  
“How can I show how brilliant I am if you keep me in the dark !” She smiled back, finally calmed down. “So I guess it is my new assignment, to locate these 4% ?!”  
“Yes please, that’s the only way we can survive this now.”

She was about to go when Raven spoke again.  
“You didn’t answer me…” Clarke turned to face her, not knowing what she was talking about. “Where have you been ?”  
“Oh, that ! Um…” She didn’t know what to say, she promised she wouldn’t tell anyone. “I… was… in the forest !”  
“Really ? You don’t seem to be sure…” Raven crossed her arms, she knew the rest of the conversation would be a lie.  
“Yes, I was in the forest. You know, I’ve spent a lot of time there and sometimes I just miss the quiet of the woods…” Clarke’s smile became wider thinking of Lexa.  
“Well, forest does you good ! You really look happy !” She smiled and started to walk away. “Keep doing your hikes !”  
“I will…” Clarke whispered while going in the opposite direction.

 

She didn’t know where to go, she didn’t have anything to do. Actually that might be the first time. Since they landed on Earth, she always had something to deal with. But now Arkadia was slowly rebuilding, Grounders weren’t a threat anymore, Raven didn’t need her help with computers. So she just wandered in the hallways, and she ended up outside.

She stayed in the door frame, enjoying the last rays of sunlight on her face. It was already late, she had slept the whole morning. She watched the sun slowly disappearing behind the trees. It was a soothing sight.

Then she saw Bellamy coming towards her. He was surprised to see her, like everyone else, but he also seemed embarrassed. She didn’t want to talk to him but he reached her before she left.  
“Hi Clarke ! I didn’t know you were back…”  
“I came back during the night.” She said dryly. They didn’t talk since he tried to kiss her and she didn’t know how to react now. She was embarrassed too and she just wanted to end that conversation.  
“Oh, okay… Where did you”  
“I should go.” She cut him off and went back inside the ship. She didn’t turn back to see his face, she walked straight to her room.

Harper was waiting next to her door. When she saw Clarke she smiled, she was relieved to see her alive.  
“Sorry, I should have told you sooner that I was back…” Clarke knew Harper might have been worried about her, because she was the only one who knew with who she left.  
“I’m just glad you’re okay. So, is there a problem in Polis ?” She slightly tilted her head and narrowed her eyes.  
“No, it’s just…” She couldn’t tell her she needed some time alone in the woods, Harper saw Saynor. But she needed to find something that justified lying to everyone else. “It’s just… They wanted to know what will happen to Jaha… I told them he was our problem not theirs. But we shouldn’t tell anyone about this, I don’t want to rekindle the hatred towards Grounders in Arkadia… So I’m gonna say I was just in the woods and you, you don’t say anything, okay ?”  
“Okay…” Harper seemed perplexed.  
“Thank you !” Clarke said quickly and got into her room.

She sat on her bed. She had nothing to do in Arkadia for now, so she decided to go see Lexa again. It was only two days ago but she already missed her. She couldn’t stay away that long while the miracle she wished for did happen; Lexa was alive. She wanted to enjoy each moment she got with her this time. She had the feeling it was a second chance that was given to her and she had to make the most of it. Two days ago she was too shocked, too afraid all of this would disappear if she made a move that she didn’t show Lexa how thrilled she was to see her again.

She stayed on her bed until it was late enough to be sure she wouldn’t come across someone in the hallway. She took a radio with her before leaving her room, it could be useful if Lexa was in trouble or just to hear her voice, but she probably wouldn’t use it. Then she headed towards the secret tunnel in the wall Octavia had showed her.

 

She took a horse this time, she was tired of walking. She got to the wooden house around noon. Saynor was training outside, he was shooting arrows. He just turned his head to see Clarke, a bit surprised to see her here so soon, but he didn’t say anything and he kept training. Clarke tied her horse to a tree and got into the house, that seemed to be empty.

She softly knocked on Lexa’s door and slowly opened it, to not wake her in case she was asleep. But she wasn’t, she was looking at the door with surprise, she wasn’t expecting anyone.  
“Clarke !” Her face lit up.  
“Hi !” Clarke smiled and went to hug her, gently this time. “I came to give you this…” She put the radio on the night stand, next to the candles. “So that you can call me if you have a problem… or if you just want to talk…”  
“Thank you Clarke.” She smiled.

Clarke was going to sit on the chair next to the bed, but Lexa held her arm before she did.  
“You can sit on the bed if you want… I won’t break.”  
Clarke moved around the bed and sat on it next to Lexa.  
“How are you today ?” Clarke asked.  
“Fine, it’s slowly healing… too slowly. I just want to get out of this bed and practice. I feel useless here.” Clarke placed her hand on hers. “And you ? I heard you didn’t want to stay in Polis… Why ?”  
“You know why…” She squeezed Lexa’s hand.  
“Because of me…” Her tone was half questioning, like if she wasn’t sure it was the right answer.  
“Yes, of course because of you…” Their eyes met, but Clarke broke the contact and looked down at the sheets. “But there is something else… Alie told me that several nuclear power plants were melting which would give us only six months left before the Earth becomes uninhabitable… and she’s right, Raven confirmed it. We are trying to find a way to save us all, but it’s just… it’s exhausting to be constantly worried about something…”  
“Another threat…” Lexa was looking at the wall in front of her, but she smiled which surprised Clarke. “I guess we will always owe something to our people…”

Clarke slightly laughed, remembering when she said that to Lexa weeks ago. But it was tinged with sadness because it was true, their people would always come first.  
“Yes…” She squeezed Lexa’s hand again, to make her look at her. “Enough with politics, let’s talk about something else !” Lexa’s smile was a proof of agreement. “You talked about your family last time… Did you try to see them since you were taken to Polis ?”  
Lexa clearly didn’t expect that question. “No… If we are taken away from our families to train it is because it could be dangerous for them to be related to a nightblood…”  
“But since you became Commander, you didn’t try ?” Clarke asked.  
“No, it would be worse for them… If I am looking for them then it means they are important to me and they could get hurt for that…”  
“But you were looking for _me_ ! So what does it mean ? That you don’t care if someone hurt me ?!” Clarke was a bit offended.  
“No ! No, it means…” Lexa’s voice lowered, her eyes softened. “… that I’m weak and I couldn’t just do nothing while the Ice Queen was looking for you, to kill you…”

Clarke smiled, she really loved that girl sitting next to her. Suddenly she realized she never told this Lexa her feelings, she told the Lexa in the City of Light. She wanted to tell her now, but she remembered when she said it to the other Lexa, she didn’t say it back. The thought that Lexa might not love her back scared her.  
“I… should go now… I just wanted to give you the radio…” She got out of the bed and saw that Lexa was surprised. “I’ll come back !”  
“Is everything okay ?”  
“Yes, don’t worry. Goodbye !” She managed to smile at her, despite the pain in her chest.  
“Goodbye !” Lexa smiled too, but she knew Clarke was sad about something. She just knew Clarke.


	8. Chapter 8

She had come back at night again, no one saw her going into her room. At least that was what Clarke thought, but in the morning when she opened her door, her mom was waiting outside. She was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed.  
“Where have you been ? I didn’t even have the time to see you before you disappeared again !” She was trying to be angry but really she was just worried.  
“Sorry… I should have told you I was back before I left again…” Clarke was truly sorry, she didn’t mean to worry her mom, her mind was just too busy thinking of Lexa that she forgot to tell her mom. “I was in the forest, I miss the quiet of the woods sometimes… you know, my life alone in the forest was so much easier that sometimes I just want to go back there and forget everything, forget that we have less than six months left before we all die…”  
“I know honey, I’d like to forget too…” Abby said in a low voice. “But it’s not safe out there, the peace with the Grounders is still fragile… At least take a radio with you next time !”  
“Yes mom, I promise.” Clarke wanted to reassure her mom, she knew it might be worrying for her but she needed to see Lexa.

Then the attitude of her mom changed, she was calmer.  
“You missed Indra on the radio !” Abby said in a reproachful voice.  
“Oh… So, is everything okay in Polis ?” Clarke enquired.  
“Yes, Roan is slowly healing. He and Indra are accepted by the population, but as a temporary leadership. And Polis is getting back to normal. So it’s peaceful, for now…” Abby sighed, she was relieved that they finally had a moment of peace with the Grounders.  
“That’s great ! I’m glad Indra radioed us, I was kind of worried… Let me know if she calls again !” 

Clarke smiled and started to walk away, but her mom spoke again.  
“Oh no, you’re not leaving ! Before you disappear again, we need to discuss the situation here in Arkadia.” Clarke turned to face her. “Come with me.”

They headed towards the Chancellor’s room. Inside, Kane was pacing, he was waiting for them.  
“Hello Clarke !” He stopped and smiled at her.  
“Hello !”

Abby closed the door behind them.  
“So, what about Arkadia ?” Clarke asked.  
“We need to have an official Chancellor… We know you didn’t want to be an ambassador, but maybe you would like to become our Chancellor.” Abby said while Clarke’s eyes opened wide. “The people here listen to you, you could lead them. If you want…”  
“What ? No ! I don’t want to be Chancellor, I don’t want to be involved in politics anymore !” Clarke slowly calmed down. “Besides, I think Kane would be a great Chancellor.” Then she saw her mom’s face and realized her mistake. “Sorry mom… It’s just that you’re already a doctor so… It would be best to leave this job to someone else.”  
“Don’t apologize, I agree, Kane should be our Chancellor.” Abby wasn’t thinking of herself when she asked Clarke, she even told Kane to replace her weeks ago.  
“Thank you, I accept it. Of course it would be best to set up an election, but since the last one… We’ll wait.” Kane was sure he would be a great Chancellor, he would do anything to give the peace his people was longing for since they landed on Earth. “Now we have to speak about Jaha…”

Clarke was surprised they didn’t decide anything about him before. She thought Kane and her mom locked him up, she never saw him in the camp since they all came back.  
“Wait, what about him ? Isn’t he in a cell ?” Clarke asked.  
“No… We know he was the one bringing Alie to us, but he was controlled by her too. So it’s hard to decide what to do with him…” Abby answered. She and Kane both knew Jaha and it was hard for them to see how badly he had changed since he landed in the missile.  
“He was controlled, but he wanted to be. He doesn’t feel bad about all of this, I even think that if the City of Light was still a possibility he would do it again…” Kane was worried about his old friend. “But he’s not dangerous and we need all the hands we have to rebuild Arkadia…”  
“We can keep him under surveillance…” Clarke offered.  
“Yes, that’s the best option I guess. Maybe Murphy can do it, they have spent a lot of time together, looking for the City of Light…” Kane liked that idea, and it would also keep Murphy busy.  
“So, are we done ?” Clarke asked.

Since no one was answering, Clarke headed towards the door, but then her mother talked again.  
“Wait Clarke !” Her tone was really serious. “Octavia is still missing… We haven’t heard from her yet. And Bellamy is getting more and more depressed about it, he’s worried and he blames himself for her leaving… I think you should talk to him, cheer him up. He really likes you…”  
“Yes he does…” Clarke whispered so no one could hear. “Okay, I’ll talk to him.”  
“Thank you honey, he really needs a friend right now.” Abby smiled at her.  
“Thank you for your advice Clarke ! Have a good day !” Kane smiled too.

Clarke closed the door behind her, leaving her mom and Kane talk about his new functions as Chancellor. She wasn’t sure where Bellamy’s room was, but while wandering in the hallways, she came across him. She still didn’t want to talk to him, but he was her friend and he needed her support. So she gathered all her energy to seem to be happy to see him.  
“Hey Bellamy ! How are you ?”  
“Um… Fine…” He was surprised she was so happy while last time she avoided him. “So you’re back…”  
“Yes, I was in the forest, again. You know, the silence, the solitude.” She cut him off quickly. “Anyway, have you found something to do in the camp since you’re no longer a guard ?”  
“Not really, I helped to plant vegetables, I helped to tend superficial wounds… but I think I will ask to be a guard again, I want to protect our people. I failed before and I failed with Octavia… but I want to try again.” There were hints of sadness in his voice, Abby was right about him being depressed.  
“Oh, that’s… great. I mean at least you would be doing something and keeping your mind busy.” 

They didn’t have much to talk about and the atmosphere between the two of them was still awkward.   
“Look, about the kiss…” Bellamy started. “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t be, it was”  
“No, Clarke” He cut her off. “I know that you are avoiding me since. I’m sorry, I should have gone slower. We have time, there’s no need to rush.”  
“No Bellamy, that’s not the problem !” Clarke snapped. “You and me, it won’t happen.” Then she realized she was being harsh. “I don’t want to give you false hopes. It’s not about bad timing, it’s just that… I consider you more like a brother. You understand ?”   
“But I’m not ! So what ? You say that I should have tried something before because now it’s too late for our relationship to become more ?” He was stunned.  
“I don’t know, maybe it is about bad timing after all… I was with Finn, then you were with Gina and you really liked her, right ? And I really loved L… my life in the woods…”  
“I liked her, but I love you !”  
“It won’t happen ! I’m sorry if it’s hard to hear, but it won’t.” She sighed and turned back. “And stop complaining about your life ! Just do something of your days !” She added without looking at his face.

She headed towards the computer room. She wanted to know what Raven had found about the safe zone, the 4%. When she opened the door, Monty and Raven greeted her. Monty was just glad to see her, but Raven had a suspicious look.  
“The forest again ?” Raven asked, about Clarke’s disappearance.  
“Yes, you know how much I love the woods. The gentleness of the wind barely touching my skin, the green of the trees looking at me, making me shudder…” She was thinking about Lexa. She was half laughing, she knew Raven didn’t believe her story of walk in the forest.  
“Yes, well don’t rick your ankle !” Raven replied.

Clarke sat next to Raven when someone opened the door. It was Harper. She waved hello to Clarke and Raven and kissed Monty. Then they both got out of the room.   
“So, do you have good news about the end of the world ?” Clarke asked.  
“Well, I’ve got news, but not good news…” Raven stopped typing and looked at her. “The 4%... they are unreachable. It’s a zone near the South Pole, the further from every power plants. But we can’t go there…” Raven sighed. “I really hope you have other information that can save us all !”  
“Well I don’t…” Clarke was stunned.  
“Okay, so we’re all gonna die.” Raven deplored.

None of them talked for a few minutes. They were trying to figure out a way to survive despite the fact that the only safe area was out of reach.  
“We can’t go to the 4%, but maybe we could make them come to us !” Clarke suddenly declared.  
“Okay, explain.” Raven was trying to understand.  
“How many power plants would we have to fix to have a safe zone on our continent ?”  
“Oh ! Yes, that’s a good idea ! Let’s create our own 4% !” Raven’s face lit up. “I already have a map with the melting power plants. I just need to reckon the area each power plant would affect if they explode.”  
“Yes, thank you Raven !” Clarke smiled. “How can I help”

Someone suddenly opened the door, cutting Clarke off. It was Miller, he was breathless because he had been running. He seemed to be in shock.  
“He’s dead !” He managed to say.


	9. Chapter 9

“Who ? Who’s dead ?” Raven asked with a panic tone while jumping off her chair.  
Miller was still catching his breath after his running to the computer room.  
“Jasper !” He finally answered. His eyes were wide open, he was still in shock.  
“Oh my god ! Are you sure ?! Where is he ?” Clarke was panicking too.  
“Come with me !” Miller said and immediately disappeared in the hallway.

Clarke and Raven followed him through the hallways. Clarke was hoping that Miller was wrong, that Jasper was still alive. She hadn’t spoken to him since they all came back from Polis. She did apologize once and that didn’t go well, so she thought it would be better to let him hate her, that it might help him grieve. But now she was thinking that maybe she should have talked to him, she should have apologized again.

When they got to Jasper’s room, they all stopped in front of the door. Miller slowly opened it and let Clarke and Raven come into the room. And suddenly they saw him. Clarke’s eyes opened wide and she stood gaping in front of the scene while Raven covered her mouth with her hand, in shock. Jasper was there, in the middle of the room, his lifeless body hovering above the floor. He seemed to be asleep, his eyes closed, his face expressionless. But the rope around his neck was a clear indicator that he was dead.

Clarke couldn’t stop looking at him. She wanted to look elsewhere but she was like mesmerized by this scene. She truly was the Commander of death. She had witnessed so many deaths before that she wondered why it still shocked her so much. 

When she finally stopped looking at Jasper, she saw the letter in Miller’s hands. He was shaking, he might have finished reading it because he wasn’t looking at it anymore but at the body hanging from the ceiling. Clarke moved closer and took the letter.

‘That’s it, that’s the end. I can’t take it anymore. Everything I care for are always taken away from me, I lost my parents, I lost my friends, I lost Maya… damn, I even lost that poor girl I just met at Luna’s place. And I’m just tired, tired to love and to lose, tired to live.  
And when I thought it would get better, it didn’t last. I was happy in the City of Light, without pain, without having to make choices that always end badly for me. I finally stopped thinking about Maya, about how much I miss her, about how much it hurts everyday to wake up and realize she’s not here anymore. But I’m going to see her again now. I’m going to be happy again.  
And I’m sorry Monty, for leaving you here. I wish you good luck to survive in this world and find happiness because I failed.’

Clarke had finished reading the letter but she couldn’t stop looking at it. She was in shock and she hadn’t realized she was holding her breath until she started to suffocate. She quickly put the letter on the bed, trying not to look at Jasper’s body, and she went out of the room. She had trouble breathing normally, she put her hand on the wall to help her stand on her feet. She couldn’t stay near the room, so she started to walk without knowing where to go.

She didn’t see him at first, but when she turned her face to know where the cries came from she saw him. Monty was sitting in the hallway, against the wall facing Jasper’s door. He had his hands on his face, trying to hide his tears. Clarke wanted to comfort him, to hug him, but she knew it would only make things worse. It was her fault if Jasper killed himself. She was the one that pulled the lever that killed Maya, she was the one that destroyed the City of Light. She was the one Jasper was blaming, the one that took away what he cared for.

She was still breathless but she started to run anyway. She couldn’t stay in this hallway, she couldn’t stay in Arkadia. She felt so guilty, she had the feeling that everybody was looking at her, with aversion, like if she was a murderer. And maybe she was. She needed to go away from all of this, to go in a place where she could breathe again. So she headed towards the stable and decided to go see the only person that wouldn’t judge her; Lexa.

 

When she got to the wooden house it was almost night. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the trees. She didn’t really pay attention but Saynor might have been training or watching outside because he wasn’t inside the house when Clarke walked quickly to Lexa’s room. Her quick pace made her tread heavier and that was what might have woken Lexa up.

Hours had passed since she left Arkadia and its drama, but the image of Jasper’s body didn’t leave her mind. And she knew it would just add to the countless macabre images she had in her memory, these images that haunt her every time she closed her eyes.

Even Lexa’s face couldn’t appease her. Even her kind green eyes looking at her couldn’t wipe away that horrible scene.  
“Clarke, are you okay ?” Lexa asked. She was worried, she could see that Clarke was in shock.

Clarke didn’t answer, instead she sat on the bed next to Lexa and she hugged her. She needed to hold on to something because she was about to break. It was another life taken because of her. She started to cry quietly, letting her tears fall on Lexa’s shoulder. She buried her face deeper and held Lexa closer. She needed to feel warm skin against hers to forget about the cold of death. Lexa wasn’t talking, she just let Clarke cry. She had a hand rubbing Clarke’s back while the other was in her hair, keeping Clarke’s head near her neck.

“Jasper is dead, he hung himself…” Clarke finally explained even if Lexa might not know who Jasper was. “And it was my fault… again. People die when I’m in charge…” She could hear Bellamy saying that to her in her head, and she thought he was right.  
“People die all the time. It’s not your fault. You try to save everyone but you can’t. Sometimes you have to let a few people die if it means saving the majority.” Lexa was speaking in a low voice while stroking Clarke’s hair.

Clarke put an end to the embrace and looked at Lexa. She was holding her hands.  
“He killed himself because it was too hard to have his pain back after I destroyed the City of Light. He was happy in the City of Light and I took it away from him, from a lot of people I guess… he wasn’t the only one that wanted to be there and forget his pain.” Clarke leant against the wooden frame of the bed, one of her hand still holding Lexa’s. “I’ve been to the City of Light you know… and you were there too. Well it wasn’t really you, just a copy of you that was recorded on the Flame.”  
“Oh, and was my copy nice to you ?” She asked with a smile.  
“Yes,” Clarke smiled too “she helped me defeat Alie and she saved me when Alie’s henchmen were about to kill me.” She sighed remembering how good it felt to see Lexa again back then.  
“Well that’s a good copy of me ! Too bad I can’t thank her.” Lexa was still smiling, and she was stroking Clarke’s hand with her thumb.

Clarke was tired after this day. She put her head on Lexa’s shoulder to feel more comfortable.  
“Yes, she was. She hugged me and we kissed…” Clarke was slowly closing her eyes while speaking.  
“Oh really ?! I’m kind of jealous now.” Lexa said.  
“Oh don’t worry you’re a much better kisser.” Clarke sighed. “You know, it was so relieving to see you again in the City of Light. It felt like I was given a second chance to say goodbye to you… and I didn’t know how much I needed it until I saw you there.” Clarke yawned. “And you said you will always be with me… And I’m counting on this Lexa to keep the promise the other one made… because I couldn’t lose you…” She yawned another time. “… again…”  
She was already sleeping when Lexa whispered “You won’t.”


	10. Chapter 10

A ray of sunlight was slowly warming her cheek, waking her up. The room was quiet, only peeps from outside could be heard. Clarke smiled, her eyes still closed, enjoying this peaceful moment. She slowly opened her eyes and her smile became even wider when she realized where she was. She was still in Lexa’s bed, lying next to her. Well not really next to her, she was half on top of her. She was on her stomach, her leg intertwined with Lexa’s, her arm around her waist and her head on her shoulder.

She didn’t move, she didn’t want this moment to be over, she just wanted to enjoy it a little bit longer. She was glad her arm around Lexa’s waist didn’t wake her up, it meant she was healing and soon she would be able to go out of this room. Her treatment was effective, really effective; she was still sleeping while the sun was already high in the sky. And she kept sleeping when Clarke withdrew her arm and her leg and sat in the bed.

Clarke just looked at her for several minutes. It was actually the first time they literally slept together. She loved watching her asleep, she was memorizing her curves, her peaceful face, the way her mouth slowly opened. It was inspiring, she would probably do another drawing of her when she come back to Arkadia. ‘Arkadia !’ It hit Clarke; why she was here, it was because Jasper hung himself in Arkadia. She sighed at the memory, all the joy she felt when she woke up disappeared. She had to go back there. The longer she waits to see their faces again, the harder it would be. 

She didn’t want to wake Lexa up, she didn’t want to leave this haven of peace but she had to go. She slowly got out of the bed, careful not to make it move, and walked towards the door on tip-toe. She glanced one last time at Lexa before closing the door behind her and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling.

 

As soon as Clarke left the stable after tying her horse, Abby ran and took her in her arms. Clarke realized she didn’t radio her this time neither, her mom might have worried again. Abby ended the hug and took Clarke’s face in her hands to scan her, see how she was feeling.

“Are you okay ?” Abby asked softly. “No one saw you since…” She swallowed. “… since the incident with Jasper.”  
Clarke couldn’t bear her mother’s look, she didn’t want pity. “I’m fine,” Clarke lied “I just needed to be alone to process that… incident.”  
“You can talk to me, you know. It’s okay if it affects you, if you’re sad. He was your friend, you’re allowed to be sad.” Abby was holding her hands now.

‘I’m not sad,’ she thought ‘I’m guilty. I’m responsible for this death too.’ But she didn’t say anything, she knew her mother would tell her that it wasn’t her fault and that she needed to stop blaming herself for every person that dies. And she didn’t need to hear that speech again, pretending that it made her feel better while actually it didn’t change a thing; dead are still dead, and she is still responsible.

“I’m okay, really. I had time to accept that he’s gone while I was in the forest.” Clarke shrugged.  
Abby looked at her with surprise but she quickly came back to being worried. She might think Clarke was still in shock. “We all have our ways to grieve I guess…” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, we were waiting for you for the funeral. It will take place tonight.”  
It surprised Clarke. Naively she thought disappearing for more than a day would sort out the problem, that somehow Jasper’s body and all the guilt it represented would be gone when she returns. But it didn’t and now she had to face it again, and plenty of cries on top of that.  
“Oh, okay.” She finally said. “I should go to my room and change then.”

She left her mom here, at the stable. She could feel her concerned stare following her while she tried to walk as normal as possible towards the building, breathless by the scary thought of this funeral.

 

The heat she was feeling on her cheeks right now had nothing to do with the ray of sunlight she felt in the morning. This heat was coming from a huge pyre organized in Arkadia’s garden, where Lincoln’s body burnt a few weeks ago. Every sky person was here, around the pyre. Not everyone knew Jasper, but Kane asked for everyone to come and pay tribute to him; a young boy that helped them all knowing if they could live on Earth again, a young boy that took part in every battle, ready to give his life for his people, but who lost the battle inside him, a young boy broken by the Earth.

Clarke was embarrassed to be here, she thought she was the last person Jasper would have wanted at his funeral. And it was probably just in her mind, but she had the feeling that people were looking at her with aversion, like if they were thinking the same as her, that she shouldn’t be here. And the cries made her even more uncomfortable. She was already feeling guilty for his death, but the fact that she wasn’t even capable of dropping a single tear at his funeral worsened the situation. 

No one was talking, only the sounds of the fire crackling and the people sobbing were breaking the silence. When Kane had lit the pyre, he had said with a solemn tone : “In peace may you leave the shore, in love may you find the next, safe passage on your travel, until our final journey on the ground.” And it has been the only moment Clarke felt sad, because it reminded her of that day, when she thought she had lost Lexa forever. She felt grateful that she didn’t lose her after all while other people don’t have this chance. Every time she had looked at Monty she had seen the sorrow in his eyes; Jasper’s death was a blow for him, he really needed a friend after what he had to do to his own mother. He cried during the whole ceremony, attracting all the compassionate looks.

 

Later that night Clarke decided she needed a drink to handle the oppressive atmosphere prevailing in Arkadia. She couldn’t leave this soon after getting back to the camp. Her mother was really worried about her disappearance in the forest and even more now that she thought her daughter was grieving a friend. So she couldn’t go see Lexa and get the comfort she needed after such a day. Only alcohol could cheer her up now.

She headed towards the bar and ordered a glass of moonshine. She scanned the room to see an unoccupied table and she saw Monty, sitting alone, drowning his sorrow. She hesitated a few seconds before deciding to join him. Dealing with his sadness would require more alcohol for her, but he was her friend and he needed comfort.

When she sat next to him he slowly looked at her. His head was covered with a hood, probably to isolate himself from the looks full of pity he was receiving, and his eyes were red, but he wasn’t crying anymore, probably running out of tears. Clarke gave him a compassionate smile before he turned his face again, looking back at the glass in front of him.

They weren’t talking, each one drinking, looking in the distance. Then Raven, Harper, Miller and Brian joined them. They were probably hanging together after the funeral and they needed moonshine to handle that night too. But no one wanted to be the first to break the quiet and so the heavy silence remained. Later Bellamy sat with them, he was clearly hesitant, after everything that happened with Pike he still felt like he wasn’t fully forgiven. And the look Miller gave him was a proof that he wasn’t. A few minutes later, Murphy and Emori came. They took chairs from another table and joined the group.

Everyone was drinking in silence. It was a weird atmosphere, mixed with compassion, resentment, sorrow, but it was also cheering to see the original members of the 100 (and Emori and Brian) together again.

“To Jasper !” Monty finally broke the silence and raised his glass.  
The sudden sound surprised them. “To Jasper !” The group responded all together.  
They all took a sip of moonshine in honor of Jasper.  
“To Monroe, Lincoln and Gina !” Bellamy said loudly.  
They all looked at him with surprise but then Clarke added “And Finn and Wells !” while raising her glass too.  
“And all our friends we have lost !” Miller joined them.  
The rest of the group raised their glasses and they all took another sip of moonshine.

“Isn’t that funny though ?” Murphy quietly laughed. “That we are all friends now.”  
The group softly chuckled.  
“Yeah, you remember when I hung you to a tree ?!” Bellamy said with nostalgia while looking at his glass. Back then they all thought the situation couldn’t be worse but it did worsen and now it looked like it was the good old days, when they were almost a hundred of them still alive.  
Murphy smiled too. “Yes. I guess we’re even since I tried to kill you too in the dropship.”

“And do you remember when we ate these nuts and we were all high ?” Miller said while slowly shaking what remained of alcohol in his glass.  
Not every one of them was present but they all sighed at the memory or at the idea. It felt good to remember these days, before the Mountain, before the adults landed and enforced their laws again, before Allie and Pike.  
“Cheers !” Clarke spoke loudly.  
They all responded in chorus and drank up their moonshine, the first drink of many to come that night.


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke was walking towards the computer room with a slight pounding in her head. She might have drunk to excess last night. She couldn’t even remember how many drinks she had; eight, ten, maybe more. Probably more. She had slept the whole morning to recover but she still felt some reminders of the night; a headache, a dry throat, dizziness. But she remembered that between the third and the fourth glass of moonshine, Raven had told her to come to the computer room because she had news about the power plants. Clarke didn’t remember more of this talk, whether it was good or bad news. That’s why seeing Raven was the first thing she did when she woke up, because if it was bad news there was no need to sober up, she would go back straight to the bar.

When she opened the door she was surprised to find Raven actually working on the computers and not sleeping over the keyboard.   
“Oh Clarke, you’re up ?!” Raven was surprised too, she didn’t expect Clarke to remember their talk of last night and even less to see her that early in the day.  
“Yeah, kind of…” Clarke said in a sleepy voice while massaging her temples. “How do you do, to be so… awake ?”  
Raven tilted her head towards the desk and showed with her eyes the cup of coffee near the keyboard. “It’s my third cup.” She explained. “And I drank less than you last night. I am wondering how you’re still standing on your feet with such an amount of alcohol in your veins.” She smirked.  
“You’re right !” Clarke sighed while slouching on the chair next to Raven’s. “Can I have some ?” She gestured towards Raven’s coffee.

Raven nodded and poured some coffee in another cup and put it in front of Clarke.  
“So ?” Clarke finally asked, wanting to know what Raven had discovered about the power plants.  
Raven sighed. “Will you even remember what I’m gonna say ?”  
“Hey ! I’ve been in worse condition than that !” Clarke was half offended that her friend didn’t think she could handle a dozen drinks. “Tell me !”

Raven took another sip of coffee and scanned Clarke to see if she was awake enough.  
“Okay, so I’ve been working on the area each power plant would affect and I discovered that if we…” Raven struggled to find her words. “… _take care_ of two power plants it could be enough to be safe on this continent.”  
Clarke’s face slowly lit up. “Great ! That’s good news !” But as Raven’s face didn’t show the same joy, she added. “Isn’t it ?”  
“Well… The thing is we have to leave. We all have to move towards a place further from the coast because there is a power plant on the other side of the ocean that could pose a problem. It would require a boat and time we don’t have to neutralize that threat, so this power plant is out of reach and it forces us to leave.” Raven explained.

Clarke blinked at the news and took a sip of coffee. She didn’t really like their camp, it was full of terrible memories, each nook of Arkadia was marked by somebody’s death. Lincoln had been shot in the head near the gates, Sinclair had been stabbed in the hangar, Jasper had hung himself in one of Arkadia’s bedroom, Clarke had to kill Emerson near the airlock, and these hallways just reminded her of all the people that had been sent to float into space, her father amongst them. She wasn’t sad to leave this place, but she knew it would be difficult to move so many people through the woods and build a new camp.

“Oh,” Clarke finally said “and where do we have to go ? Is it far ?”  
“It’s not that far, but since there are a lot of people to move, it will probably take us a week to get there. And we’re going towards East.” Raven announced.  
“Okay, and about these two power plants we have to take care of… How do we _take care_ of them exactly ?” Clarke enquired.  
Raven looked at her cup of coffee. “I don’t know for sure… Maybe by cooling them or destroying them… I don’t know, it’s not my field…” Her voice was low, like if it was going to break at every new word she said.  
“Is it Monty’s ?” Clarke asked, worried that Monty wouldn’t be able to help them this soon since he was still grieving his friend and his mother.  
Raven shook her head. “It was Sinclair’s…”

Clarke realized why Raven’s voice sounded sad, Sinclair was more than a teacher to her and she didn’t even have time to properly grieve him. A tear was starting to form in Raven’s eye.  
“Oh, I’m sorry…” Clarke said softly.  
“You’ve said that a lot recently…” Raven tried to joke, but she couldn’t stop the tears. She sighed. “He was more than a mentor you know, he was like a father to me… He was the only one to believe in my potential back in the Ark, to give me a real chance so that I wouldn’t end up in the space or in a cell…” She looked at Clarke. “No offense.” She tried to smile. “Finn believed in me too… And both of them are gone now…” She wiped her tears with her hands.

Clarke never thought of this, the fact that Raven didn’t have any relatives. Both her parents were dead, likely floated. She was alone. A lot of kids in the Ark were orphans. Not that there were a bunch of criminals back there. There were indeed some parents that got killed for stealing food or medicine, but there was also a high rate of suicide. When the duty of having a child and carrying on the human race was accomplished, a lot of people decided to end their lives because it was barely it, a life. On the Ark there were neither days nor nights, it was always the same deep blue piercing through the windows and it could become depressing quite soon. The daily life on the Ark was boring, the same work, the same TV shows repeating themselves for decades, the same people to talk to. Suicide was often a relief, a meaning of freedom. Clarke was glad to still have her mother, she rarely realized how lucky she was to have her. 

After calming Raven down, comforting her, she decided to go see her mom. While drying the last tears on her cheeks, Raven had told her that she would find a way to _take care_ of the power plants, with Monty’s help. After this talk Clarke wanted to hug her mom, she needed it. She walked towards her mom’s room, aimlessly because she didn’t really know where she might be. 

But when she opened the door, the urge to hug her disappeared, replaced by surprise and the urge to go away. Her mom was kissing Kane, in the middle of the room. Clarke remained speechless for a few seconds before mumbling “I’m sorry”. She wanted to close the door and leave them but she was like petrified.  
Abby cleared her throat. “Clarke…” Her eyes were moving from her daughter to Marcus. “I didn’t want you to find out that way…”  
Clarke couldn’t stop herself from blinking, wanting to erase that scene from her memory. “No, it’s okay…” She said slowly. “Um… I just wanted to tell you that Raven had found a way to have a safe area on the continent…” She lied, not wanting to hug her mom anymore. “I’m just… I’m gonna go.” She added quickly and she closed the door before her mother could say something.

 

Back in her room, Clarke needed to do something to stop thinking of her mom with Kane. She couldn’t imagine her mom with another man than her dad, even if she thought that Kane was a wise, smart and generous man. She couldn’t find a better stepfather but it was really weird to see him in another way than just the Chancellor. And she couldn’t believe that she didn’t see anything, the thought of her mom and Kane in a relationship never crossed her mind.

To keep herself busy she decided to radio Indra.   
“Indra, are you here ?” Clarke called, hopeful.  
After several seconds of quiet, she heard statics coming from the radio.  
“Clarke ?” Indra asked.  
Clarke sighed of relief. “Oh great ! You’re here !” She was really relieved to hear Indra, that meant that the situation in Polis was probably peaceful.  
“Is there a problem in Arkadia ?” Indra was surprised by Clarke’s joy to hear her.  
“No, everything’s okay. I just wanted to let you know that Raven had found a way to save us all, by neutralizing two power plants near us we could have a safe zone further towards East. So it also means that we have to make everyone move, leave their homes. That’s the only drawback.” Then she added “Is everything okay in Polis ?”  
“Yes, the city is reliving. The guards already brought two Natblidas here, they are training but without a previous Commander or a Fleimkepa to teach them it will probably require more time to instill them the value of a great Heda.” Indra remained quiet for a few seconds, but still holding the button of her radio. “But the population is still wary about Skaikru… So moving them all because Skaikru advised it will be triky. I am not sure they will follow…”  
“Oh, well it’s whether move with us or die so they better put their resentment aside…” Clarke simply stated.  
Indra pushed the button and cleared her throat. “Maybe… Maybe the sacrifice of Jaha could give back the trust towards Skaikru… He is responsible for bringing Alie here and a lot of people think he should pay for that.”

Clarke felt anger rising inside her. She didn’t know if Indra thought that too, that Jaha deserved to die for what he did. But the fact that she even offered it disappointed her.  
“No, it’s out of question ! We are not killing Jaha and neither do you ! Have you forgotten what the new policy is ? Jus nou drein jus daun !”  
“Yes, I remember.” Indra sighed. “I shouldn’t have asked you that. But I am warning you, moving our people together will be more complicated with him still alive amongst Skaikru. And I remind you that I am not Heda, I don’t have the authority to stop them from doing justice themselves.”  
Clarke calmed down, she knew Indra was working towards peace too. But she wasn’t Lexa, she didn’t have the same ways to achieve it and the same drive. “Jaha is my problem. If our people walked together towards the safe zone, then I will make sure that nothing happens to him.” After a few seconds she added “Goodbye Indra.” She didn’t want this conversation to continue while she was angry because she could say things she would regret.  
Indra simply replied “Leida Klark.” ( _Goodbye Clarke_ ).

Clarke knew that moving Grounders and Sky people together would be a dangerous situation. The Sky people were still angry about the Mountain and the Grounders had now new reasons to hate them; Alie and Pike. Indra and Roan were good leaders, but they weren’t Commanders and even if the Grounders listened to them and agreed to leave, they couldn’t stop them from showing their hatred towards the Sky people. They needed a Commander to keep an eye on them, to rule them properly. They needed Lexa.

Clarke took the Commander gear on her chest of drawers and left Arkadia again.


	12. Chapter 12

She had ridden all night and the sun was slowly emerging behind the line of trees when she got to the wooden house. Saynor was sitting against a tree, sharpening branches to make arrows. Clarke wondered if he ever slept, even during their first travel together she didn’t actually saw him asleep. That could have been an explanation to why he was always in a bad mood. He barely looked up when she passed in front of him to reach the house, and he didn’t say a word.

Clarke tied her horse and entered the house. The first floor was empty, Jidia wasn’t here. Actually, Clarke didn’t saw her since their first meeting. She wondered why she was so often working in Polis. But she quickly forgot that thought as she climbed the stairs.

She softly knocked on the door. She waited for the stoic voice of Lexa to say “Enter” before she opened it. Lexa was still in her bed but she looked better each time Clarke went to visit her; the rings under her eyes were slowly disappearing, her skin was slowly getting its color back. Both of them smiled as they made eye contact. Clarke looked at the chair next to Lexa’s bed and hesitated a few seconds before finally sitting on the bed like she did the last time she came. The chair was too far away from Lexa, she couldn’t bear this distance anymore.

As she sat next to Lexa their hands found each other automatically, their eyes never breaking contact.  
“I didn’t expect to see you this soon…” Lexa said, still smiling. “Not that I mind… I really appreciate your visits.”  
Clarke squeezed her hand. “Happy to see you too.” She said in a low voice.

Lexa was stroking Clarke’s hand with her thumb. Her smile was now tinged with worry.  
After a moment of quiet, Lexa said “How was it ? To come back to Arkadia after…”  
She didn’t need to finish her sentence, Clarke understood what she meant. “Oh that.” She sighed, her smile only a memory now. “I wish I had never left your bed that day…”  
“Me too.” Lexa spoke in a low voice, still smiling to cheer Clarke up. “Tell me what happened.”  
“They were waiting for me, to burn his body.” Clarke was now looking at their hands. “I don’t know why. It was pretty clear in his letter that I was responsible for his death, so why did they want me to be present at his funeral ?! It was so weird to be there…”  
“Clarke…” Lexa sighed.  
“I know,” Clarke cut her off. “it’s not my fault. I did what I had to do by destroying the City of Light.” But she couldn’t stop herself from feeling responsible. Alie wasn’t a threat for everyone, a lot of people chose to take the chip because they wanted their pain to stop. “At least it was an opportunity to reconnect with my friends.” She tried to smile. “We drank a few glasses in memory of Jasper and the good old days…”  
“When you were on the Ark ?” Lexa asked.  
Clarke frowned with surprise. “No, when we just landed on Earth. We weren’t friends on the Ark, we didn’t even know each other.”  
Lexa was surprised too. “You mean that you miss your first days on Earth ? Why ? We were at war back then ?”  
“Yes it was chaos, even within our group, but at least we were all alive. Not yet broken by losses, wounds, haunting decisions…” Clarke sighed.

The quiet that settled was becoming oppressive. Lexa didn’t know what to say to comfort Clarke, she had herself experienced the harshness of living on the ground and she knew there was no word that could make it more bearable.  
Clarke finally broke the silence. “Oh, you won’t believe what I saw in Arkadia just before I left !” Her face lit up at that awkward memory. As Lexa wasn’t saying anything, Clarke kept talking. "My mom and Kane ! They are together… That’s so weird…”  
“Why ? You don’t like Kane ?” Lexa asked, trying to understand the drama of Clarke’s family while she didn’t even remember experiencing one herself.  
“No, I like him… but as a Chancellor. I can’t imagine my mom with another man…” Clarke explained.  
“You never told me, what happened to your father ?” Lexa was really interested in Clarke’s past, she wanted to know all about her, how she became her.  
“He got floated…” Clarke’s voice was tinged with sadness but most of all she was nostalgic thinking about her dad. Clarke saw the lack of understanding on Lexa’s face so she explained. “On the Ark, when you had broken the law you got floated. That means that you are ejected into space.”  
“Oh…” Lexa finally understood the faith of Clarke’s father.  
“He tried to warn everyone that the Ark was dying, so he got floated because someone reported him…” Clarke cleared her throat. “Because my mom reported him.”  
“She wanted to avoid chaos within your people; being aware of this threat wouldn’t have helped anyone.” Lexa tried to defend Abby. “Just like what you are doing with the issue of the power plants…”

Clarke wanted to reply but she was too surprised to say something. She looked at Lexa agape and frowning. Lexa was right actually, Clarke never thought of the current situation that way but it was quite similar to what happened on the Ark. She blamed her mother so hard after she discovered the truth about her dad’s arrest that she never wanted to know why she did that. She needed to blame someone. But now she understood her motive, she was like her, and this thought scared her a bit.

Clarke blinked a couple of time and finally spoke again. “Speaking of the power plants, Raven has found a way to be safe… But we have to leave. All of us.”  
Lexa sighed. “We will have to rebuild our entire civilization…”  
“Yes… Well, we will if your people agree to follow mine…” Clarke stated. “I radioed Indra and she told me that the Grounders are still wary about the Sky people and that they might don’t come with us.” Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand and moved closer to her. “They need a Commander to rule them. They need you.”  
Lexa’s eyes widened. “What ? They are not stupid, Clarke. They will follow you if it is the only way to survive.”  
“Even if they do agree to come with us, you have to be there to make sure they won’t try to attack Skaikru…” Clarke’s tone was really serious and Lexa’s face was showing signs that she was about to give in, she just needed to be pushed a little more.  
“But I’m still weak, Clarke. I can barely walk. If anyone wants to defy me, I’m dead.” Lexa insisted.

Clarke took a moment to think about that.  
“Come with me to Arkadia !” She declared. “You will heal faster with our medicine. And no one needs to know that you’re here, just my mom.”  
Lexa smiled at the idea of going with Clarke, to be near her more often. Clarke saw that smile and she knew she was close to convincing Lexa. She leaned towards Lexa and whispered in her ear. “Come with me…”  
She took the gear in her pocket and put it in Lexa’s hand.  
Lexa’s smile grown wider. She opened her hand to reveal the small object made of metal. She had recognized what it was even before seeing it. “Help me get out of that bed and tell Saynor.” She turned her face to see Clarke. “I’m going to Arkadia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments, it truly pleases me !!!


End file.
